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  • diamondash50

it’s been a hard day

i was bleaching and the smell made me long for swimming-pools so hard. like deep into the pit of my guts. the noises of the screams bouncing off the tiles and getting swallowed by the water. the coziness of showers and the weirdness of the changing spaces. how better I felt in a public swimming-pool at night during winter than on a crowdy summer beach. how the smell made me feel so good that I was nearly forgetting how bad I feel in my body without clothes on. or just i was trying to get those moments quickly gone, once my body was in water I felt so good.

same on beaches for real. I would arrive very early in the town I had school in, coaches were way too early and I would swear with the sea, swear to myself that I would live. drown my heaviness into the salt or dissolve it into chlorine. belonging to water. i long for the water. i long for not feeling the weight of my body the way I have to carry it everyday, like it’s about to throw up everyday. I long for the softness when the water runs against my arm and supports its highs, and its lows. i started lying down in water again when I was in the sea with him when we did those two one-day-trips. I could lie down and look at the sky. the testimony of my slower heart, calmed enough to look at the clouds for a bit without boire la tasse/choking. it must mean I am doing something right, you know if I can lie down at the sky for a bit. I long for the water so I can witness how serene I am. maybe here the ceiling is just a bit to low and the water is not running against my chest.

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